A post for my dad, mum and brother

It's been a long time since I've blogged, and I had never expected that the first post in 6 months would be a bitter and angry one.

For an update, yes, I'm still pregnant. Baby girl has another 5 more days till her EDD, and I hope she cooperates and stays happy in me till next week, after things had settled down. Cos things are quite in a mess now.

What things?

Sigh, where shall I start?

For the uninitiated. Steve and I have been operating solo all the while. Ever since Sean arrived 3 years ago, except for the 1st month where we had the help of the confinement lady, it has always just been me and Steve taking care of Sean and everything else.

We did not employ a domestic helper, because I just couldn't get used to the idea of having another person living under the same roof. I prefer my privacy, and freedom, to sometimes run around naked and scare my neighbours. Just kidding, I do walk around in the buff sometimes, but away from windows of course.

My elderly parents, were seldom around to help, cos they were busy with taking care of my brother's only kid then. The only times when they can come by and help, will be weekends, where Steve and I can sneak away late at night after Sean turns in. And that in itself, is a rare treat. It had only happened 3 times.

It was tough taking on everything ourselves. Steve had admitted that he didn't like coming back home after a hard day's work, cos most of the time, I would be screaming my lungs out, grumbling and complaining about things that day, venting my frustrations for whatever "hardships" that I have to take on taking care of Sean all alone.

It was tough. We fought, we quarrelled. We talked about divorce. We hit out at each other.

But we survived. Cos we didn't lose sight.

Things got better when I got a job, and Sean was sent to the childcare centre. Things are stable now. I am blessed that we still can cope financially.

In March this year, we brought my parents along with us for a trip to Taipei. It was the first time in their 70 years that my parents travelled overseas, their first time taking an airplane, and I feel proud of ourselves for being able to give them a treat like this. Of course, I wouldn't deny that it was also a good opportunity for Steve and I to have some couple time shopping and eating at Shih Lin late into the nights after Sean has fell asleep, when my mum can pop over to the hotel room to look after him.

Well, the thing is now, I am feeling some unhappiness, and so much more of frustration for my parents, and brother.

Ok, let's backtrack to the Chinese New Year period this year.

My dad actually fainted on the first day of CNY, at home. Due to over-exhausation. Over-exhaustion from what?

You see, my brother had a daughter, now about 3.5 years old. She's attending fullday childcare very near her house till about 5pm everyday. She has a little brother, about 1 year 3 months now, whom my mum is taking care of, full time.

Full time meaning, my brother would fetch my parents from their home over to his home at about 7am every day, and send them home at about 9pm every night.

My dad has to fetch the elder daughter to and fro the childcare everyday.

That sounds pretty common, right?

Right.

Except that on Chinese New Year eve, because my mum has to prepare for the reunion dinner for us all (which mum wouldn't right?), she has to stay at her home. Thus, my brother has to be at his own home to take care of the little one. My dad would then have to ferry the elder daughter to and fro the childcare centre. But because my mum is all alone preparing at home, she definitely needs help right? So my dad has to shuffle between his own home, the market, and then to rush to pick up the elder daughter from the childcare centre when her half day ends. He walks between these places, as his home and my brother's home are within about 15-20 minutes walking distance.

So what's the big deal? Have you spotted any missing piece?

Yes, the mother of the kids.

Where is she all this while?

Well, according to her, on Chinese New Year eve, she has to work till earliest 2pm. She absolutely couldn't come back earlier to help pick up her child or look after them. So my poor dad has to do the job lah!

My dad, being at an age of 72 this year, weighing only about 52kg, having to rush around under the hot sun, without much food and water in him (you know, some elderly hardly eats, my dad being one of them), fainted in the toilet the next morning, first day of CNY.

And so throughout the 1st few days of CNY where every family is happily celebrating togetherness, my dad has to rest on the bed for most of the time.

Ok, such things happen sometimes, no choice. We just have to take better care of ourselves, and move on, right?

Ok, fast forward to a few months later this month. At the optician, my dad was found to be suffering from cataract. So he wanted to go to the polyclinic to get a referral letter to go to SGH for a thorough checkup.

But the thing is, he is unable to do so during the weekdays, why? You got it. Because he has to be around to help take care of the kids. My mum wouldn't really want him to go alone to the polyclinic cos, according to her, my dad can be quite incoherent when it comes to communicating his health status to the doctor, of which I agree with too. My dad has aged trememdously over the past one year or so, and sadly, he's not that strong or able both mentally and physically anymore.

But the most frustrating thing is, for the past few weeks, my parents can only go back home from my brother's home at about 10plus at night everyday.

Why?

Because my sis-in-law has to work overtime till about 9pm. Then my brother will go and pick her up.

What happens after she got home?

She takes her bath, does some chores (putting the laundry into the washing machine), takes her dinner.

After everything, only then would she take over taking care of the little one over from my mum.

Never once did she offer straight away after she got home, "Mother, father, let me take over now. You two faster go home and rest now. Thanks."

Never once.

And so, by the time my parents got home, cleans up and rest on the bed, it would be about earliest 11pm.

My 70 plus old parents, with old cracking bones and bad rheumatism problems, have to take their bathes only at about 10+pm everynight.

And, never once did she offer to take a one day's leave and offer to my dad for him and my mum to go to the polyclinic for his eye checkup. So the checkup just kept getting postponed and delayed.

Last week, the elder daughter got stomach flu. Quite a bad one. Diarrheoa, vomitting.

My dad, being weak, contracted it too.

And he fainited on Sunday morning. It was a bad one this time my mum said. He was found slouching on the floor in the toilet, and my mum had to spend some time shouting at him for him to regain consciousness.

My mum has to drag my dad to the sofa in the living room, a trying task because my mum's knees are giving way, and the moment my dad got to the sofa, he threw up.

An ambulance was called straightaway, and my brother came over.

Never mind my sis-in-law, she was never in the picture during weekends. She would bring the kids over to her mum's place to stay over for the weekend, since DAY ONE, leaving my brother alone at home to do the household chores.

My dad was admitted for dehyrdation, and stomach flu.

The virus was super contagious. Soon, the little brother contracted it too. Same symptoms. Saw the doctor a few times at KKH.

And me, I started my maternity leave this week, waiting at home for any signs of labour to begin anytime. It would be ok if it happens during the day while Sean is away in childcare, Steve and I can rush to the hospital and hopefully, baby girl would be out before Steve goes to pick Sean up.

The problem is, what if it happens at night?

It would be quite a challenge for us to have to wake Sean up from his slumber, pacify him to get into the car with us to the hospital.

So our initial plan was to have my parents come over and stay over with us for the week until baby girl arrives. So that at least, if labour starts at night, my mum can help to look after Sean without us having to wake him up, and Steve and I will rush to the hospital.

But looking at things now, we just have to cope alone, with whatever we have.

My dad was discharged yesterday, doctor had said the stomach flu is gone, but he is still ever so weak. Having not ate anything much over the past few days, of course he would be weak right?

So the best thing for him to do now is to recuperate and recover well at home.

At home.

But no, he's not given the luxury to do so. Why?

Because he and my mum has to go over to my brother's place to look after the kids.

My poor father, who was discharged only yesterday afternoon, has to find himself sleeping on the sofa in my brother's home first thing in the morning today.

Why? Because my brother can no longer take anymore leave (he has been doing so for the past few days, he himself contracted the virus too, but has recovered).

And my sis-in-law?

"No, I cannot take leave. Not possible. Got too many things to do at work."

To F*** with that lah!

Unless you want to be awarded with the Best Employee in the World who doesn't take leave even when her kids are very sick (her little son is still down, vomitted last night too) and that the award comes with a million dollars price,  then maybe, just maybe I will be a little pacified.

But you just simply refused to take any leave. Not even childcare leave to give my dad a chance to recuperate at home.

You refuse to give my mum the chance to cook some good food to nurse him back to health. You have zilch cooking ware at your place, only a pot for cooking porridge for your kids. My mum couldn't even cook a simple home-cooked dish at your place for my dad. They can only stick to eating foodcourt food and bread, which is the very reason that caused my dad's health to deteriorate.

I don't know the reason why you simply cannot take some days' of leave off, to cope with the situation at home.

If it's your company policies that's preventing from you doing so, then please tell me what stupid company you are working for, so that I can help you complain to MOM or whatever stat boards that are responsible. I can go the whole mile for you, talk to your minister, write letters, engage a lawyer, whatever!

I'm talking about you looking after your OWN SON, not my dad!

Your son has barely recovered, he was still vomitting last night. Your own husband was down with the virus over the last couple of days and had just recovered. And you only took that one pathetic day of leave on Monday, of which you spent at your own mum's place.

And you didn't bother to take some leave to look after him, expecting my parents to come over to your place to look after him?!

Aren't you afraid that the virus will just get passed around between my dad and your son? There will be no end to this!

I'm not feeling happy because what you are doing to my parents is totally ridiculous. Who is going to take responsibility if my dad fainted in your house? Or what if something worse to him happened? Can you take the responsibility? CAN YOU?

I remembered a few months ago, you asked me why don't we consider getting a maid. The nerve of you to come up with that idea.

Oh you would have hoped that we would get one right. So that I wouldn't snatch my parents away from helping you.

After all, my parents are paid way cheaper than a maid. Yes, you heard me right. My parents are basically working for only about $2 per hour, including all allowances for bills and etc.

Such cheap rates, where to find right! You got yourself a good bargain! WOOHOOO!!

The nerve of you to ask me why don't I get a maid. Well, I bit my lips to shoot you back the same question, cos I am too nice a person to be so brazen and make such an insensitive and irresponsible statement.

Frankly speaking, even if my parents are available to help to look after my baby, I would give it a serious thought, because at an old age of 70 already, and my mum can hardly keep her knees straight, she even has problems standing up from a sitting down position, is it fair to expect them to look after my baby?

And oh! Before I forgot, another ridiculous fact.

My mum had always wanted to get a playpen for the little brother. After all, he's crawling all around now and learning to walk. My mum wanted to buy one out of her own expenses and put it at my brother's house. For safety, and also, for convenience sake. So that she can put the little brother in the playpen and go to the toilet for a while, or do her own stuff for a while.

Cos at the moment, at any one time, one pair of eyes got to be on the little boy, so if my mother goes to the toilet or anywhere else away from the boy, my dad has to take over, bending over and holding on to him.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE DISAGREED WITH GETTING A PLAYPEN.

"He doesn't even want to sit in the stroller, what makes you think he will want to be in the playpen?"

Yes, there is no playpen, no highchair at my brother's place. Only a stroller (which my mum bought using her own money, and without telling my brother beforehand), of which she will put the boy in and feed his meals.

I don't understand why such stupid thoughts can exist in a person's mind.

You want my parents to look after your kids. YOU PROVIDE THE MEANS FOR THEM TO DO SO COMFORTABLY.

YOU DON'T GO EXPLOITING THEM, JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE NICE AND DON'T WANT TO KICK UP A FUSS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO SAVE TROUBLE FOR MY BROTHER.

YOU DEMANDED THEM TO GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE TO CLEAR THE AIR ONE NIGHT, AFTER YOU QUARRELLED WITH MY BROTHJER AND WHERE I AND MY PARENTS WITNESSED IT. MY PARENTS HAD JUST STEPPED IN THEIR HOME FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES, AND YOU DEMANDED MY BROTHER TO FETCH THEM BACK TO YOUR PLACE SO THAT YOU CAN TELL THEM THAT MY BROTHER QUARRELLED WITH YOU BECAUSE OF WHAT NONSENSE.

I KNOW THEY ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS, BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT IF HAVE A SINGLE STRAND OF HUMANITY AND FILIAL PIETY IN YOURSELF.

I AM JUST SO ANGRY AND FEEL SO MUCH INJUSTICE FOR MY PARENTS AND BROTHER.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU READ MY BLOG, OR WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU DO SO.

BUT YOU ARE BULLYING MY PARENTS, MY FAMILY, AND I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT AT ALL.

That night when I dropped by with Sean, your daughter fed a piece of magnet to Sean, telling him that it's chocolate. Sean, being gullible, took it into his mouth and bite it. If I hadn't noticed him biting away, he might have already swallowed it. You weren't around then.

But when my mum told you about it later, you didn't even bother to chid your daughter for doing so. NOT A WORD FROM YOU. NOT EVEN A GLANCE OF DISAPPROVAL TO YOUR DAUGHTER. YOU JUST KEPT QUIET, SILENTLY ENDORSING HER ACTIONS.

And that's not the first incident. Earlier, Sean was holding on to a piece of toy, and sitting on an adult's stool. Your daughter saw that Sean was holding it, and immediately barged forwards to snatch it back. Because of force, Sean was pulled down and landed on floor right on his forehead, resulting in a bump. You came in and realised what happened. But again, not a word from you, your daughter even said, "Sean took my toy first!". And you just kept quiet.

You know the saying, 上梁不正，下梁歪？

But your daughter didn't used to be like that before. The change in her bears too much resemblance to your own character.

Now I know, I would never really want to bring Sean to your place again. It's just nasty.

This is a lengthy post of anger, injustice and frustration.

I pray for my dad's quick recovery back to good health, and for less selfishness and more respect that is long overdue.

Dad, Mum, Brother, I love you and you don't deserve such treatment.

I know it's for the better that my parents don't want to blow things up. But really, I couldn't stand it anymore.

You want the kids, you bear them.

If you cannot cope, YOU FIND A WAY.

It's not fair to expect others to make way for you.

And more so, NOT RIGHT, to expect someone already so elderly and weak to go out of the way to help you just because you can't be bothered to help.

And lastly, if you feel any grievances reading this, direct them at me. I wrote this because I want to, not because someone else instigated me to do so.

I wrote this because I love my family.

So if you want to shoot, shoot me. Don't you dare make stupid demands on my brother or parents.