What's the point, Singapore?

There's been a campaign playing on the TV recently.

About a man "travelling" through the decades, strumming the guitar, against backdrops of iconic buildings and streets, flashing his pearlie whites, singing with a perpetual plastered smile - as if there isn't a care in the world, as if he doesn't have any bills to pay.

"Let's make our world the most beautiful home...."

And the chant went on and on and on..........



The official info tab that came with it.

"This music video brings viewers on a journey to witness the key milestones that took place in Singapore's transformation into a clean and green city. "Lets make our world the most beautiful home"... "



The irony is, this music video actually brought tears to my eyes.

Hell no, please do not for even a nanosecond think that I am TOUCHED by the cheesy jingle. Neither am I that swayed by the campaign's message that I'll cease emitting carbon dioxide by never exhaling again..

In fact, I wouldn't give a hoot for this campaign.

Or for any campaigns for that matter.

The truth is, I miss the scenes of the backdrop.

I caught shots of Cuppage Centre, Fitzpatrick at Supreme House (the former Park Mall) in the MV.

And of course, the old skool wet market.

They were all part of my growing up. Come weekends, my dad would always bring the whole family out to Cuppage Centre for the very famous Beef Noodles. Thereafter, we would drop by Fitzpatrick for grocery shopping.

The visit to the wet market just a street across was a weekly Sunday morning affair with my mum.

She would bring me along, stopping at the fishmonger first, then the vegetable stall, turned around to the tofu stall, proceed to the butcher, then get eggs, finally proceed up to the second storey for wanton mee for breakfast.

Sometimes, we would pass by the shoe stall, and mum would buy me a pair of canvas shoes.

I also got my first bra from one of the stalls there.

I remember her conversations with the stallholders:

"Today's Bai Cang Yu (white pomfret) pretty or not? Fresh one?"

"Can include a few stalks of spring onions?"

"Give me 50 cents of tau gey (beansprouts)."

"Am cooking sweet and sour pork tonight for 5 persons. Give me an amount suitable, and the best cut u recommend for the dish!"

Come a few weeks before Chinese New Year, my mum would make a reservation for a good-sized chicken as offering to the ancestors.

I remembered once, I went alone to the butcher to get some meat, only to realise that I've not brought enough money. The Uncle told me it's ok, just pay the rest the next time.

These were precious pieces of my childhood memories.

Recently, news have sprouted that more wet markets are giving way to "supermarket-operated markets".

Along with that, are gone with the communality of the old wet markets, where A knows B and B knows C and D etc.....

Searching for a good babysitter/nanny? Ask around the market.

Want coconut milk from freshly grated coconut? Get it from the market.

Want to know the ratio of garlic-shallots-chilli for chicken rice chilli? Ask around the market.

Of course, the dirty linen can be asked around the market too.

The point is, Sean would never get to know this communal way of life that his mum grew up with.

The main reason that the wet markets have to go is that the new ones, with their longer operating hours, can cater to the needs of the current market.

Is it really?

Do I really need to listen to "retail personnel" speaking with heavily China-accented mandarin?

Do I really need to ask them what cut of meat do I take for sweet and sour pork, only to be met with blank empty stares?

So what if I can buy meat/vegetables/eggs/salt/tofu/cotton wool/foolscap paper at 9.48pm, can I get them to throw in some stalks of spring onion for me out of goodwill?

Don't get me wrong. It's not the loss of freebies I'm feeling sore about.

It's the loss of belonging to a close-knitted community that has grown old together, where grand-parents bring their grand-chidren along for their marketing, and where these grand-children grow up together, and then bring their grand-children along to do marketing....

It's almost like the loss of altruistic relationship building.

Generations and generations of memories, are all but to give way to cater to the needs of today.

It's a pity then, that people today do not need such memories of altruism.

The brains behind the campaign must be feeling quite pleased about themselves now.

Sleek effects, smooth transition from the old to the modern, maybe a catchy jingle.

"Let's make our world the most beautiful home...."

Yeah right.

How to make it beautiful? When you are slowly but surely hacking away the walls of it?

It's never easy, but that's life

Yesterday, we dropped by my mum's place after Sean's medical appointment.

Mum and Dad said they've cooked.

"Just some simple dishes, nothing fantastic lah. Hope u don't mind!"

Fried leeks with tunghoon and fried eggs with pickled radish.

Dad kept saying "We cooked alot of rice!"

But u know what I said?

"But we're going out for dinner later because we're hoping Sean will be interested in outside food"

Then my parents took out a cute lunchbox (they got it from my sis who had used it to tabao something for them previously), and told me to tabao something back home to eat.

And so I did. And it was so heart-wrenching.

I am quite a lousy daughter, ain't I?

I am now warming up the lovely food in the steamer for my lunch later.

I have very wonderful parents.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for the lovely comments and sms-es following the previous post.

I was indeed very hurt then.

But as always, it all boils down to taking things in, digesting and accepting them as how they are meant to be.

My hubby's a good man. I don't deny this at all.

But our personalities clash ever so often, even more so after Sean is here.

I can't deny I've neglected his status. To me, Sean is now the supremo in my heart.

Many times, I even envision the worst. What if come one day, if Steve and I were to split, will I be able to win custody of Sean?

And chances are it'll be low. Cos I've not been working, thus most likely, I cannot provide for Sean's livelihood. Therefore I presume I won't be granted custody.

These are creepy thoughts. I hope such a day would never ever beckon upon us.

But who is perfect?

I for one, am never perfect.

Perhaps I've been expecting from Steve things that he couldn't give, thus I'm always feeling disappointed and inadequate. Just like what Jo had commented.

I love Steve. I love him for who he is, and all the things he has done to make me happy. His funny little quirks never fail to make me laugh, his humour and wit never fail to put a smile to my face, and his intelligence always gives me insights and alternate viewpoints that I would never have come up with on my own.

But he has his imperfections. Many many many.....

Perhpas I've really pushed him to the wall that in a moment of madness, he resorted to keeping a diary about the chores that he has done so that the next time I question him, he can throw me back with the reply that "Look, I've done this and this, so don't say I never helped!"

It's this diary thing that saddens and hurts me the most.

But now, I've gotten over it, thankfully.

It's not been easy. I was drifting in and out of silly thoughts and self-pity for those 2 days.

And it didn't help that Sean is once again, on his food strike since last Friday. No porridge, no cereal, no normal foods, nothing.

But thanks to the kind concern and encouragement given to me by all of you. Strangers, friends I've made online, friends I've made decades ago - I didn't know someone's still reading my blog!

I wouldn't have pulled myself together without your words. They've made me think, pondered and make sense when I lose sight of the bigger picture.

Thank you all so much.

I worry too much. Even Sean's PD said so yesterday, after I told him about Sean's refusal to eat and my worries about his other developments.

Truth be told, I'm very very worried if Sean could be autistic.

The PD told me, "We'll see."

I think what he meant was we'll see how things progress for Sean when we see the PD again in December. By then Sean will be one and a half years old.

Sean's speech development is quite behind. So he's scheduled for a hearing test in November.

Will I be able to accept the reality if it really turns out that Sean has special needs?

As it is now, I'm not a mother with the strongest mettle. I fall and I tumble whenever I feel helpless. I exhaust every ounce of energy even in a mundane act of feeding Sean.

And yes, I've indeed lost my own identity along the way. To me now, I am Sean's mother, there is nothing much else to it, really. And I accept that.

But will I be strong enough for the possibility of a harsher truth?

I once read,

"Do not ask for a lighter load,
instead ask for a strong back."

And then I am enlightened.

I cannot change reality if that is going to be it.

I am Sean's mother and I always will be.

If I'm not going to be strong for him, who will?

I'm praying that this will all turn out to be mere anxiety and nothing more.

But for the next couple of months, which are the crucial months for Sean to catch up, I have to brace myself for the worst. To commit myself entirely to a lifelong of utmost love and patience.

Just like how my parents are doing for me.

Let's be hopeful.

My Cover Boy

Surely this will brighten up any day!

my heart is dead

Thank u for buying me the handphone i liked so much that u searched the whole island for becos it was out of stock everywhere.

Thank u for giving me money after i begged.

Thank u for giving my father a huge angbao at my request for his birthday.

Thank u for bringing dinners back home for me.

Thank u for mopping the floor sometimes before u go to work.

Thank u for chiding me that i am the one who dun understand u when i said u dun understand me.

Thank u for letting me know that u kept a diary noting how many times u have already washed the bottles last week so that i can no longer grumble when i ask why didn't u help me wash the bottles.

Thank u for telling me to shut up that day when u know i was so depressed at that time.

Thank u for not hugging me when u know i needed it most.

Thank u for storming out of the room leaving me alone to sleep crying when i asked why didn't u help me wash the bottles.

Thank u for letting me realise that for all that u've provided for me, i should just accept whatever else u give me.

That i should be thankful already.

That i should count my lucky stars.

That i should never ever have anymore complaints.

That i should have no more rights to expect anything else from u.

That i should just be happy.

Sorry.

But i think i can never ever be as happy as u'd like me to be.

I think i can never ever be truly happy again.

Because to u, i may be worth doing all that u've done for me.

But to myself, i am just a worthless piece of junk.

8ecause everytime i try looking for support, or that bit of comfort from u, u ask me whether i have in turn given u sypport.

Everytime i cry, u just walk out of the room.

Do u still love me?

Don't ask me back whether i still love u. Please don't always ask me back the same question after i asked u.

Now i know why i should just keep quiet. because i can never have the comfort i seek.

Now, i think i am just living for Sean.

For all the rest, my heart has just died.

Thank u.

Sean, please be ok...

These days, unhappy thoughts have crept up again.

The sore question that I kept asking myself: Is Sean developing ok?

I'm proud that he is finally walking independantly.

Yet, there are still quite a number of things he has yet to achieve for his age.

He hasn't called out Papa or Mama. In fact, he doesn't really talk or babble at all. Sean is a very quiet boy, such that anyone who can hear me from outside the house would think that I'm talking to myself all the time.

He doesn't point.

One big consolation I can take in is the fact that he can say "car". And would say it whenever he sees one on the road, or on TV.

He doesn't eat well. Feeding him is a BIG big struggle for both him and I.

But once he eats, my hands would tremble so much - cos I'll be so happy with the fact that he's finally eating, but so so afraid that the next spoonful would be met with rejection again.

I am very afraid and very worried.

Sean does understand things. When we say "Sean, give Daddy/Mummy this", he would.

When we say "Sean, time for your bath. It's quack-quack-quack (his rubber ducky) time.", he would walk towards the bathroom.

There are many more instances when he shows understanding to what we say. But at times, I can't help but worry.

Over the last couple of days, I feel as if something inside me died.

I wept so hard last night, clutching at my chest, wishing and wishing and hoping against hope that Sean will be fine.

At that moment, I longed so much for my mum.

The irony isn't it? When as a mum myself, I got to be strong for Sean.

But sadly, I don't think I can be strong enough to accept any else.

I wish people can stop saying things like "Oh, he'll be fine!", "Oh, boys are generally slower.", "I've had x number of kids myself and they all turned out fine so you should trust my judgement!".

I appreciate the well-meaning thoughts behind the comments, but to be frank, these comments can be so irresponsible. You can casually make such comments of course! Because you don't know the actual whirlwind of emotions I'm going through.

I stated my unhappiness to Steve last night, and he said the same things. His stand was he cannot possibly go into the same worry mode as me, cos one of us has to support everyone. I agree, but yet I disagree. Because it just make it seems as if I'm worrying for nothing.

I HOPE I AM WORRYING FOR NOTHING.

But I can't help but still worry.

I wish someone can help me out.

I wish my mum can come over and spend more time with us.

Why is it that I have to be the one alone taking care of Sean?

I know I can, I know I am capable of doing so.

And because I wanted to do so in the first place. To be Sean's fulltime carer.

But....

Have I done enough?

Is Sean how he is today because I've not done enough?

Ever since Sean was born, I've only been out alone 2 times to meet my friends. One for Joon's hen night, and the second for a quick dinner with the girls.

I hardly ever talk to people now.

I haven't go on MSN for 3 years.

I have to be the one to feed Sean all his meals and milk because he refuses anyone else to do so.

I have not felt so helpless and sad in a long while.

I'm on the verge of giving up.

But I can't.

Sean needs me.

I have to be strong.

Sean, Mummy will be strong for you.

No matter what, Mummy will hold your hands firmly and never ever let go.

Mummy loves you.

Depressed

Feeling very down today.

I am worried about so many things.

Yet...

I feel I'm battling them alone.

How should things be then?

Sean is walking!

Finally, at 1 year 4 months 1 week and 2 days old, my boy is walking independantly!

HOORAY FOR SEAN!!!

It has been a long wait, and now with his new found skill, it's a whole new world for Sean - one with no more boundaries!

Got to seriously child-proof the house now.

Well done Sean!!!

16 Months Old and Beijing Photos

Darling Sean is 16 months old today!

He still looks very babyish, compared to other boys of his age I think. Well, maybe all parents think alike too.

Sometimes, I wish Sean can grow up faster, so that he can soon talk to me, at least make me understand him.

But most of the times actually, I wish time would pass by slower, so that I can enjoy Sean in his baby stage more. Because in no time to come, he would soon want to walk on his own rather than hold on to my hand, preferring adventures rather than my hugs.

No matter, Sean-Sean will always be my dearest baby boy.

Beijing photos next! If I were to sum up this trip in a word, it would sadly be "depressing". It would have been a brilliant one, if not for Sean's refusal to eat anything other than milk and biscuits. I was so so worried that everywhere I go, when people commented on how cute Sean is, I would go on and comment that "But he's not eaten anything for a x number of days already.". Almost half of Beijing knew that Sean is on a food strike! I can't help it, because it's always on my mind! Perpetually so that migraines tortured me almost everyday, shopping was the last thing on my mind (which is VERY unusual), and I seriously can't wait to be back in Singapore.

Imagine, we brought the slow cooker along, went to the supermarket religiously every day after the sightseeings to get fresh produce and food to cook his porridge. But at the end of the day, the whole pot of porridge would end up in the trash.

I'm just glad everything's back to normal now.

To be honest, looking back now, I'm rather thankful for this whole foodstrike episode.

Because it's taught me to be more patient with Sean now. Previously, when Sean refuses his food or fuss alot before he finally eats, I would lose my temper. But now, I am less worrying and would indeed let him skip a meal or two if he really has no interest in eating. I think Sean too notices this, and thus actually has expressed more willingness in finishing up his food almost every meal.

The Beijing trip is an eye-opener. The Peking duck is nice but overhyped. Both Steve and I thought we would gain lots of weight because of all the food we'll be stuffing ourselves with. Turns out ALL 3 of us lost weight because along with Sean, we've lost most of our appetite to enjoy food.

Our next trip would be to Tokyo over Christmas with Steve's mum and sis. Hopefully then, it would be a more relaxing and enjoyable trip.

At T3 before takeoff





In the plane. Sean was well-behaved and managed to sleep through take off. Story-telling and milk were the only thing he demanded for onboard.



The bassinet barely fitting him



Woke up and managed a few bites of bread



Reached the service apartment we stayed in. Munched on some Gerber puffs with Mummy.



We stayed at Lee Gardens Service Apartment. Comes with a kitchenette equipped with microwave, fridge and stove top. Washing machine has a dryer too. Location was great too, smacked right beside their main shopping belt Wangfujing. Great place to stay in.



Next day was the gruelling climb up the Great Wall. I've not felt so on the brink of exhaustion since the birth of Sean! We were sweating buckets! Tough for us but really easy job for our guide, cos we covered such a short distance only!







We visited the Summer Palace next. Lots of pavillions and, pavillions.

















We visited the night street market where many funny things were sold! Scorpions, bugs, beetles. YIKES!



Did u see the starfish? I wonder how it taste like though I'm not really tempted!



Off to the Tiananmen Square the next day. We walked and ran loads! Cos the gate is closing to get ready for the guard changing ceremony. No wonder we lost weight!







The Forbidden City all lighted up when night falls. Quite a sight to behold.



At a square in Wangfujing the morning before our flight home. Last minute shopping for souvenirs.



Oh! We cheekily put Sean in this dress that we bought for my niece to see if Sean really looks like a girl. You know, almost everyone we come across in Beijing thought Sean was a girl! They were all quite surprised when we told him he's a lad. Sean looks like a girl meh? I thought he look quite macho here, like in a Scottish quilt!

Happy 16 months old my darling.
Mummy said this a million times and I'm going to say it again.
I Love You So.

I am 51.3kg!

This is the lightest I've weighed since god knows when!!!

Must maintain, must maintain...

But now, let me finish my yam cake and siew mai first...

Alonso to Ferrari

And I simply have to blog about this.

My Alonso is finally going to Ferrari next year!

WOohoo!!!!

I can't wait....

Bring on the championship 2010!

Back from Beijing and no more food strike!

We've been back for a week now and there's still much to do, and recover from.

For the record, Sean has been on a food strike since the 22nd September, a day before the flight.

It happened all of a sudden. He was still fine with his breakfast cereal that day.

Then came lunch in the afternoon, he just suddenly refused to open his mouth.

His lips were glued tightly together. Nothing could make them budge.

Everytime the spoon came near him, he would turn away.

It's like fighting a battle for the both of us.

No amount of coaxing, cheating or persuading works.

Then we left it at that, thinking that maybe he's just got no appetite.

Then came dinner time.

No, Sean didn't want anything either.

We made him cereal.

No!

He's not having them either!!

The ONLY thing he would want in his mouth are his biscuits and yoghurt.

How aptly timed right this little terror.

We thought a change in environment in Beijing would give him some amusement.

No, it didn't change anything.

So Sean went without solids for the entire trip, managing only some yoghurt (which he refused too after 3 days.).

The most he could eat was from our plates.

Like 3 strands of noodles.

Or 2 grains of rice.

Sean made life so easy for us in Beijing, wanting only milk and biscuits.

But I was so stressed with him not eating that I didn't really enjoy the trip.

I was popping Panadols like mad cos my migraine was ever present.

Sean's foodstrike went on like this until it reached a breakthrough yesterday.

He finally ate!!

His porridge, his cereal, yoghurt....

Although it still took us about 30 attempts before he would finally open his mouth, but hey, at leas he's eating!

And he ate his cereal as well this morning.

So a BIG WELCOME BACK TO SEAN'S APPETITE!!!!

PLEASE DON'T EVER GO AWAY FOR NO REASONS AGAIN!!!

Anyway, overall, Sean was very well-behaved.

He took no fuss at all during the taking off and the landing.

He was nice and easy to please on the plane, demanding mainly for story-telling and biscuits only.

He slept ok in the bassinet too.

I guess this works out well for our next trip to Tokyo in December.

More photos next post!