Help for a little girl

I can't shake her out of my mind since learning about this little girl's condition.

I can't help but worry about my little Sean...

Life is so vulnerable, even more so for a helpless little kid who perhaps still can't understand what bad bad cancer can do to her body.

Please help out in whatever way you can to make Charmaine feel better.

Please pray hard for her.

God bless.

U can only be as happy as u want to be

I've been having alot of flashback memories of my childhood lately.

And I've been tearing quite alot.

We are all part of history in the making isn't it?

Things that have happened in the past, the laughter and the tears, the things that we've shared with our siblings and loved ones...they're all but history now.

Although we are still making history now, but...it's different already, right?

Cos we're all grown up and drifted apart...

You have ur own life and I have mine.

I feel sorry and guilty for not being more around for my sis.

I ought to do more for her. To spend more time with her.

To let her know and understand that, she's loved by us all.

Ultimately, I've allowed some things to slid out of hand.

After all, I have only a pair of hands, so how much can I hold onto?

I wish I can do more to help her.

It's a living nightmare having to live in ur own world and go around in circles with the same thoughts over and over again. I know it's hard for her. And that's when I'll cry. Cos who can stand such madness? I guess deep down, she doesn't want to be this situation too, to be trapped in ur own mind and not able to look out and breathe.

They say happiness is a choice. But if one is not capable of making such a choice, then what?

I wish she can be happier.

Sis, I love u ok. U must bear that in mind, please.

8 months!

Sean is 8 months old today!

Time flies isn't it.

That also means I've been a mother for 8 months.

Sometimes u think if it's all worth it.

Indeed, being a parent is not easy. There's so many things you have to give up.

Like dining out. You can't just eat at ur own pace anymore.

Previously, I would cut my food into small bites and savour every bit.

Now, most of the time, I have to gobble everything down and pacify Sean before he kicks up a big fuss in the restaurant. And this without wiping my mouth clean. Haha. Talk about table etiquette or lady manners. Now I have zilch of that.

And what about spending coupletime with Steve?

I'll be glad if we can spend time to even talk properly now. Cos by the time we have time to ourselves, it's either we're too tired or I'll be expressing milk and he'll be working on his laptop

I can't just wash my hair on any day i like cos Steve may be working late and so i can't afford to spend time in the bathroom.

Usually it's just a quick bath of not more than 10 minutes then i'm done.

I hardly have time to do a body scrub or facial mask anymore.

I hardly have time to empty my bowels totally. Gosh tat sounds gross.

I can’t just put on makeup now cos Sean likes to touch my face so much and I don’t want him to eat in any funny stuff.

Some people would say, what's so difficult in looking after a child?

哭了，不是給他喝奶，就是跟他换尿布。

有这样简单吗？

But indeed it's worth it when I see my son growing.

And that’s why parenthood is so tough, and thus so rewarding.

Because you are bringing up a child and nurturing a life, all the while shaping his future.

And not just any other life, but one that comes from you. One that you gave.

It’s still quite overwhelming looking at Sean, taking in the fact that he’s my son, that he came out from me and Steve.

Oh the wonder of it all is still breathtaking.

It’s miraculous.

CNY Photos

At my mum's place for reunion dinner with Zining jie jie

With Shermaine jie jie

He's my handsome boy isn't it?

On the 11th day of CNY....

Happy Lunar New Year!!

Abit late but still, sincere greetings from me, Steve and Sean!

It's Sean's first lunar new year celebration with us and he is such a joy to be with! And I must say he's a real babe magnet and he charmed everyone with his 'Gongxi Gongxi' hand gesture. I'm immensely proud of him!

Have lots of CNY photos to upload but they're all in the camera and I can't find the cardreader. So here are some from the phone first. Sean's very cute and he's growing so well. He's also dining with us now when we eat out. He's a gem!!!

媽媽的味道

I've not been feeling so well lately.

If it's not the migraine, it's the flu.

Just this morning, I had such a bad case of migraine I vommited.

The throbbing pain on the left side of my head was so bad it felt just like a hammer pounding open my skull.

It's living hell.

Despite this, I still have to grit and carry on with expressing milk.

Thanks to a couple of painkillers and some precious time stolen from Steve just before he went to work, I managed to get some shuteye and most of the pain went away, though I'm still typing now with a heavy head.

The discomfort that I've been feeling recently made me think of my mum alot.

I've got this neighbour, don't know which one exactly. But everytime she/he cooks, the smell would be so enticing that it makes me hungry.

And that is when I'll think of my mum alot too.

I remember the younger days, whenever I was sick, Mum would cook pork porridge (ba-bey) for me.

That fragrance, that smell....it still has such a lingering comforting feeling to me.

Like a huge pair of arms hugging me and telling me that the pain would go away soon after the hot bowl of porridge.

I miss my Mum, and I miss all the food she's cooked for me.

And then I wonder what Sean would remember of me? What smell?

Sean is 7 months old!

Sean is 7 months old today!

Time flies.

This also means I've been breastfeeding and pumping milk for the past 7 months.

I've also truly understand the meaning of parenthood.

You never stop worrying for your child.

Just recently again, I've caught the flu bug and sadly, have passed it to Sean.

And so he developed a fever. And we were ever so worried for him.

Cos understandably, Sean was hence not a happy bunny. And we all miss his usual chirpy self.

It could be also because he's teething.

He has also developed rashes around his mouth, probably due to the excessive drooling due to his budding teeth.

Sigh.

I wish it can be easier for him.

Everytime I look at him when he's sleeping, I would stroke his head and tell him,
"Baby, I wish I can take over all your pain and discomfort. Just pass them all to me ok?"


And after pumping for so long, I wonder if it's time to wean him off breastmilk.

It's not easy having blocked ducts so often cos Sean latches on only about twice a day.

Not to mention the uncomfortable engorgement and painful lumps...

But everytime I feel like giving up, I think about the regret that I would have when Sean is finally weaned.

Cos really, nothing beats the feeling of knowing that I'm giving the best nutrition to Sean. After all, he's been drinking it exclusively for the past 7 months.

And so, I think I will still go on giving him breastmilk, as long as I can still manage it.

So as a record, here's Sean's schedule on a typical day:

7.30am: Wakes up and waits for us to come by his cot to pick him up.
8.00am: Got picked up by Mummy and placed on bed, playing whilst looking at Mummy pump away.
9.00am: 150ml BM.
10.00am: Happy bathtime with Mummy.
11.00am: Nap (latch on)
1.00pm: Rice cereal + 30ml BM (mixed with veg/fruit puree).
2.30pm: 120ml BM.
3.15pm: Playtime whilst looking at Mummy pump away.
4.30pm: Nap (latch on)
5.30pm: Rice cereal + 30ml BM (mixed with veg/fruit puree).
6.15pm: 100ml BM.
7.15pm: Quick bath.
8.30pm: 175ml BM.
9.00pm: Good night Baby.

It's a good schedule, and I'm glad Sean can go to bed early rather than late.

Except that it's rather haywired now that he's teething, and he'd wake up once or twice in the night feeling fussy.

It's been a wonderful 7 months with Sean. And I'm ever so grateful for all the ups and downs throughout this period.

I know I can be a better mother to Sean. So I'll tough it out for the many more years to come.

I love Sean very very much. So much that I wonder how can I ever have a second child, cos then I would have to give my love to another?

It's like letting Sean down....

Haha! Seems like I really do think too much.

Getting delirious here cos it's so late now and I'm blogging now becos I think I won't have anytime tomorrow to blog for his 7 months birthday.

I just want the world to know, I'm so so proud of my son.

Standing already!!

Sean is standing!!!

My handsome boy...love him so much!

是時候了...

人也有心情不好的時候。。。。

就算是再堅強，再僞裝，再知足的人。。

我們大家都一樣。

Sometimes I blame myself for thinking too much.

For worrying too much.

So much so that in my mind, I've already conjured an escape plan.

You know.

For those "Just-in-case" cases...

Sometimes, I want to just cry it all out.

Like how I'd sometimes drop a few tears in front of Sean.

And you know the most amazing thing is, Sean would look at me lovingly, as if telling me not to cry anymore, cos I have him.

And that's everything in the world to me, seriously.

It's not that I'm complaining, or that I've been feeling unhappy.

It's just that...things hit you once in a while, and it makes you jolt abit out of your seat.

Your throne of contentment.

I've been feeling nothing but happiness and fortune for so long that I'm rather afraid I can't cope if I were to feel unhappy all of a sudden.

It's not that unhappiness has not hit me at all. Rather, I've not succumbed to it, cos for what? Since I already have everything good in this world?

But if one fine moment, I'm not that strong, I'm not that contented, I'm not that generous, I'm not that kind, then what would happen?

Would things get so out of control that it gets ugly?

So, maybe it's good to actually throw a temper once in a while.

Or feel angry, unhappy once in a while.

Cos then, I can learn to accept things that I cannot avert.

Sigh.

I love Sean so very much.

From this year on....

We have Sean with us to celebrate every new year!

Isn't that amazing??

Thanks to all the concern from friends and family, Sean has gotten better.

And the war with milk and teats is over now. Thankfully.

Just now Steve and I were talking about how different our lifestyles is now.

Like just now, we managed to sneak to Jurong Point with Sean in tow for a quick early new year dinner.

It was mayhem.

And it's not easy having a teething baby with you when you're trying to eat some pasta.

Nevertheless, I feel very proud that as I slurp my dinner hungrily away, I have my dearest hubby sitting opposite me feeding me bites of his steak, and my cute little son sitting on my lap drooling away.

I am a proud Mummy.

So I don't really care much about not being able to join in any countdown parties, or just simply walking around town to soak up the atmosphere.

Or really do some serious shopping, which I've not been able to do for so so long.

Cos I have everything that makes me a happy happy woman.

Actually, it's just the recognition of counting blessings and learning contentment.

Wishing everyone a contented and blessed new year!!

All we want for Christmas....

Sean had fell sick :(

I will never forget the fateful Sunday evening, when he vomitted all over me.

Projectile vomitting.

I was in total shock.

What's more, Steve was attending a wedding dinner then, so I was all alone.

I tried to remain calm, but after the vomitting, Sean cried very weakly.

He was pale.

And, he was falling asleep, and appeared very listless.

Of course, his little body has just expelled so much vomit! How tedious is that!

You cannot imagine how petrified I was.

Even hysterical.

I don't know what to do for a while.

The bed was soaked with vomit.

The floor.

My shirt.

Sean's shirt.

I changed immediately, and kept telling Sean not to fall asleep and to stay awake.

And rushed downstairs for a taxi to Children's Emergency, telling Steve to meet me there.

Along the way there, I kept telling Sean not to doze off, cos he is, and in a very quiet manner, not his usual cheerful self.

After an examination, it was concluded that Sean has been overfed.

Yes, overfeeding. By me, his silly Mummy.

I thought the ordeal would be over.

But a few hours after Sean got home, he developed a fever.

Worse, he has refused to drink any milk. He simply would not open his mouth every time the teat is near. And he would struggle and cry so much it hurt us to see him like this...

Worried that Sean could be dehydrated, we rushed him to the hospital, again at 4am.

The doctor told us if Sean still did not drink, then maybe we have to put him on a drip.

Steve and I really don't wish for that to happen to Sean.

So we fed him with a spoon.

Thankfully, he accepts that.

And till now, whenever Sean sees the bottle near, he would cry and fight against it so much, we struggle to feed him

We tried changing teats, changing bottle, trying the sippy cup, even making him see us drinking from the bottle with the teat.

Nothing seems to work.

Everytime, we have to make Sean cry and force the teat into him to make him drink.

It almost always have to end in tears.

I hope this is passing phase, that his gums are sore, that's why he's fussy.

I really hope it's not because of the overfeeding that has cast such a nasty experience on him, that he doesn't want to eat or drink anything from the bottle now.

As it is now, I feel immensely guilty over the fact that I made Sean vomit because I had fed him too much.

My darling Sean,

Please recover soon. Nothing else is as important as seeing you happy and healthy again.

We love you Sean.

And that's all we want for Christmas.

For you to be well and cheerful for so many years to come.