These days, unhappy thoughts have crept up again.
The sore question that I kept asking myself: Is Sean developing ok?
I'm proud that he is finally walking independantly.
Yet, there are still quite a number of things he has yet to achieve for his age.
He hasn't called out Papa or Mama. In fact, he doesn't really talk or babble at all. Sean is a very quiet boy, such that anyone who can hear me from outside the house would think that I'm talking to myself all the time.
He doesn't point.
One big consolation I can take in is the fact that he can say "car". And would say it whenever he sees one on the road, or on TV.
He doesn't eat well. Feeding him is a BIG big struggle for both him and I.
But once he eats, my hands would tremble so much - cos I'll be so happy with the fact that he's finally eating, but so so afraid that the next spoonful would be met with rejection again.
I am very afraid and very worried.
Sean does understand things. When we say "Sean, give Daddy/Mummy this", he would.
When we say "Sean, time for your bath. It's quack-quack-quack (his rubber ducky) time.", he would walk towards the bathroom.
There are many more instances when he shows understanding to what we say. But at times, I can't help but worry.
Over the last couple of days, I feel as if something inside me died.
I wept so hard last night, clutching at my chest, wishing and wishing and hoping against hope that Sean will be fine.
At that moment, I longed so much for my mum.
The irony isn't it? When as a mum myself, I got to be strong for Sean.
But sadly, I don't think I can be strong enough to accept any else.
I wish people can stop saying things like "Oh, he'll be fine!", "Oh, boys are generally slower.", "I've had x number of kids myself and they all turned out fine so you should trust my judgement!".
I appreciate the well-meaning thoughts behind the comments, but to be frank, these comments can be so irresponsible. You can casually make such comments of course! Because you don't know the actual whirlwind of emotions I'm going through.
I stated my unhappiness to Steve last night, and he said the same things. His stand was he cannot possibly go into the same worry mode as me, cos one of us has to support everyone. I agree, but yet I disagree. Because it just make it seems as if I'm worrying for nothing.
I HOPE I AM WORRYING FOR NOTHING.
But I can't help but still worry.
I wish someone can help me out.
I wish my mum can come over and spend more time with us.
Why is it that I have to be the one alone taking care of Sean?
I know I can, I know I am capable of doing so.
And because I wanted to do so in the first place. To be Sean's fulltime carer.
But....
Have I done enough?
Is Sean how he is today because I've not done enough?
Ever since Sean was born, I've only been out alone 2 times to meet my friends. One for Joon's hen night, and the second for a quick dinner with the girls.
I hardly ever talk to people now.
I haven't go on MSN for 3 years.
I have to be the one to feed Sean all his meals and milk because he refuses anyone else to do so.
I have not felt so helpless and sad in a long while.
I'm on the verge of giving up.
But I can't.
Sean needs me.
I have to be strong.
Sean, Mummy will be strong for you.
No matter what, Mummy will hold your hands firmly and never ever let go.
Mummy loves you.
The sore question that I kept asking myself: Is Sean developing ok?
I'm proud that he is finally walking independantly.
Yet, there are still quite a number of things he has yet to achieve for his age.
He hasn't called out Papa or Mama. In fact, he doesn't really talk or babble at all. Sean is a very quiet boy, such that anyone who can hear me from outside the house would think that I'm talking to myself all the time.
He doesn't point.
One big consolation I can take in is the fact that he can say "car". And would say it whenever he sees one on the road, or on TV.
He doesn't eat well. Feeding him is a BIG big struggle for both him and I.
But once he eats, my hands would tremble so much - cos I'll be so happy with the fact that he's finally eating, but so so afraid that the next spoonful would be met with rejection again.
I am very afraid and very worried.
Sean does understand things. When we say "Sean, give Daddy/Mummy this", he would.
When we say "Sean, time for your bath. It's quack-quack-quack (his rubber ducky) time.", he would walk towards the bathroom.
There are many more instances when he shows understanding to what we say. But at times, I can't help but worry.
Over the last couple of days, I feel as if something inside me died.
I wept so hard last night, clutching at my chest, wishing and wishing and hoping against hope that Sean will be fine.
At that moment, I longed so much for my mum.
The irony isn't it? When as a mum myself, I got to be strong for Sean.
But sadly, I don't think I can be strong enough to accept any else.
I wish people can stop saying things like "Oh, he'll be fine!", "Oh, boys are generally slower.", "I've had x number of kids myself and they all turned out fine so you should trust my judgement!".
I appreciate the well-meaning thoughts behind the comments, but to be frank, these comments can be so irresponsible. You can casually make such comments of course! Because you don't know the actual whirlwind of emotions I'm going through.
I stated my unhappiness to Steve last night, and he said the same things. His stand was he cannot possibly go into the same worry mode as me, cos one of us has to support everyone. I agree, but yet I disagree. Because it just make it seems as if I'm worrying for nothing.
I HOPE I AM WORRYING FOR NOTHING.
But I can't help but still worry.
I wish someone can help me out.
I wish my mum can come over and spend more time with us.
Why is it that I have to be the one alone taking care of Sean?
I know I can, I know I am capable of doing so.
And because I wanted to do so in the first place. To be Sean's fulltime carer.
But....
Have I done enough?
Is Sean how he is today because I've not done enough?
Ever since Sean was born, I've only been out alone 2 times to meet my friends. One for Joon's hen night, and the second for a quick dinner with the girls.
I hardly ever talk to people now.
I haven't go on MSN for 3 years.
I have to be the one to feed Sean all his meals and milk because he refuses anyone else to do so.
I have not felt so helpless and sad in a long while.
I'm on the verge of giving up.
But I can't.
Sean needs me.
I have to be strong.
Sean, Mummy will be strong for you.
No matter what, Mummy will hold your hands firmly and never ever let go.
Mummy loves you.
2 comments:
hey babe!!
when Kayson is still young,
he doesn't talk much.
it was only when he's ard 3-4 when he finally speak & speak in sentences..
my hus n I was really worried when he still haven speak by 3, cos all he said was
PAPA, MAMA, MUM MUM & that's it.
so we brought him to a speech therapist who assured us that he's ok & things will get better if we send him to sch
which we did
& he pick up all the skills
he can now speak very well & very loud!
give urself & sean somemore time..
if he's still not speaking
U can bring him to a speech therapist & see what the ST says.
U're going really great as a mum.
I m sure things are fine...
take care babe!
Thanks so much Maggie, u cannot imagine how much ur comments mean to me. Seeing how Kayson is flourishing now, I hope Sean can take after him too. I really hope it's like what you say, that Sean will blossom too, just that it's later, like Kayson too.
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts babe, really appreciate them :)
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