It's never easy, but that's life

Yesterday, we dropped by my mum's place after Sean's medical appointment.

Mum and Dad said they've cooked.

"Just some simple dishes, nothing fantastic lah. Hope u don't mind!"

Fried leeks with tunghoon and fried eggs with pickled radish.

Dad kept saying "We cooked alot of rice!"

But u know what I said?

"But we're going out for dinner later because we're hoping Sean will be interested in outside food"

Then my parents took out a cute lunchbox (they got it from my sis who had used it to tabao something for them previously), and told me to tabao something back home to eat.

And so I did. And it was so heart-wrenching.

I am quite a lousy daughter, ain't I?

I am now warming up the lovely food in the steamer for my lunch later.

I have very wonderful parents.

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Thanks so much for the lovely comments and sms-es following the previous post.

I was indeed very hurt then.

But as always, it all boils down to taking things in, digesting and accepting them as how they are meant to be.

My hubby's a good man. I don't deny this at all.

But our personalities clash ever so often, even more so after Sean is here.

I can't deny I've neglected his status. To me, Sean is now the supremo in my heart.

Many times, I even envision the worst. What if come one day, if Steve and I were to split, will I be able to win custody of Sean?

And chances are it'll be low. Cos I've not been working, thus most likely, I cannot provide for Sean's livelihood. Therefore I presume I won't be granted custody.

These are creepy thoughts. I hope such a day would never ever beckon upon us.

But who is perfect?

I for one, am never perfect.

Perhaps I've been expecting from Steve things that he couldn't give, thus I'm always feeling disappointed and inadequate. Just like what Jo had commented.

I love Steve. I love him for who he is, and all the things he has done to make me happy. His funny little quirks never fail to make me laugh, his humour and wit never fail to put a smile to my face, and his intelligence always gives me insights and alternate viewpoints that I would never have come up with on my own.

But he has his imperfections. Many many many.....

Perhpas I've really pushed him to the wall that in a moment of madness, he resorted to keeping a diary about the chores that he has done so that the next time I question him, he can throw me back with the reply that "Look, I've done this and this, so don't say I never helped!"

It's this diary thing that saddens and hurts me the most.

But now, I've gotten over it, thankfully.

It's not been easy. I was drifting in and out of silly thoughts and self-pity for those 2 days.

And it didn't help that Sean is once again, on his food strike since last Friday. No porridge, no cereal, no normal foods, nothing.

But thanks to the kind concern and encouragement given to me by all of you. Strangers, friends I've made online, friends I've made decades ago - I didn't know someone's still reading my blog!

I wouldn't have pulled myself together without your words. They've made me think, pondered and make sense when I lose sight of the bigger picture.

Thank you all so much.

I worry too much. Even Sean's PD said so yesterday, after I told him about Sean's refusal to eat and my worries about his other developments.

Truth be told, I'm very very worried if Sean could be autistic.

The PD told me, "We'll see."

I think what he meant was we'll see how things progress for Sean when we see the PD again in December. By then Sean will be one and a half years old.

Sean's speech development is quite behind. So he's scheduled for a hearing test in November.

Will I be able to accept the reality if it really turns out that Sean has special needs?

As it is now, I'm not a mother with the strongest mettle. I fall and I tumble whenever I feel helpless. I exhaust every ounce of energy even in a mundane act of feeding Sean.

And yes, I've indeed lost my own identity along the way. To me now, I am Sean's mother, there is nothing much else to it, really. And I accept that.

But will I be strong enough for the possibility of a harsher truth?

I once read,

"Do not ask for a lighter load,
instead ask for a strong back."

And then I am enlightened.

I cannot change reality if that is going to be it.

I am Sean's mother and I always will be.

If I'm not going to be strong for him, who will?

I'm praying that this will all turn out to be mere anxiety and nothing more.

But for the next couple of months, which are the crucial months for Sean to catch up, I have to brace myself for the worst. To commit myself entirely to a lifelong of utmost love and patience.

Just like how my parents are doing for me.

Let's be hopeful.