my heart is dead

Thank u for buying me the handphone i liked so much that u searched the whole island for becos it was out of stock everywhere.

Thank u for giving me money after i begged.

Thank u for giving my father a huge angbao at my request for his birthday.

Thank u for bringing dinners back home for me.

Thank u for mopping the floor sometimes before u go to work.

Thank u for chiding me that i am the one who dun understand u when i said u dun understand me.

Thank u for letting me know that u kept a diary noting how many times u have already washed the bottles last week so that i can no longer grumble when i ask why didn't u help me wash the bottles.

Thank u for telling me to shut up that day when u know i was so depressed at that time.

Thank u for not hugging me when u know i needed it most.

Thank u for storming out of the room leaving me alone to sleep crying when i asked why didn't u help me wash the bottles.

Thank u for letting me realise that for all that u've provided for me, i should just accept whatever else u give me.

That i should be thankful already.

That i should count my lucky stars.

That i should never ever have anymore complaints.

That i should have no more rights to expect anything else from u.

That i should just be happy.

Sorry.

But i think i can never ever be as happy as u'd like me to be.

I think i can never ever be truly happy again.

Because to u, i may be worth doing all that u've done for me.

But to myself, i am just a worthless piece of junk.

8ecause everytime i try looking for support, or that bit of comfort from u, u ask me whether i have in turn given u sypport.

Everytime i cry, u just walk out of the room.

Do u still love me?

Don't ask me back whether i still love u. Please don't always ask me back the same question after i asked u.

Now i know why i should just keep quiet. because i can never have the comfort i seek.

Now, i think i am just living for Sean.

For all the rest, my heart has just died.

Thank u.