eyeswideshut

It's 5.20am now and I'm still wide awake.

Steve is still in office slogging on a project due next week.

I've been struggling between opening/not opening that packet of crisps for the last 6 hours...

Well, I guess I can always look forward to breakfast...which is about just 3 hours away!


Later I sure jialat

Horrific Calorific Me

Haggis.

Neeps & tatties.

Fish & chips.

Malayan Lamb Curry.

Vindaloo Chicken Curry.

Ackee & Saltfish.

Big Greasy British Fry-Up.

These are the foods that we will make a point to EAT next week in Edinburgh.

And if that's not calorific enough, I've just wolfed down a Kinder Bueno, a packet of crisps and a packet of twisties.

All in one sitting.

Hey! I'm just insulating myself for a week of winter you know!

Nowhere near there..

We are going to ???? next week!

What began as the usual trip to the food court for dinner last night turned out to be a visit to be poked!

OUCH!

We dropped by the clinic downstairs and had our H1N1 vaccination last night in preparation for our trip to Tokyo over Christmas.

But what appears to be the prep for Tokyo was also.........

A prep to Edinburgh next week as well!

It was a last minute thought to return to the place where both Steve and I spent 4 years working our asses off and it was such an exhilarating decision! Steve would be there for a workshop, while I will be towing Sean for shopping, shopping and shopping!

We're gonna be back!

"Gotto go pack my luggage now!"

13 hours of flight + 1 hour of transit

Gonna be a big handful with the little terror...

but we can't wait!

F1 Fever

Formula 1 off-season has never been as exciting as this.

- Jenson Button moves from ex-Brawn (now Mercedes) to Mclaren. (I can't understand why....maybe he wants to be the best Number 2)

- Hence, Kimi Raikkonen's original move to Mclaren now impossible. May sit out of F1 next year. May join Mercedes.

- Mercedes is reportedly discussing with Michael Schumacher for a possible comeback.

- If indeed Schumi is back, he'll be in the fight for the championship with Alonso, Hamilton, and his fellow German protege Sebestian Vettel. What a mighty fight it'll be!

It's going to be a suspenseful few weeks ahead until Mercedes formally announce their drivers lineup.

What an entertaining way to keep housewives like me occupied!

Not eating....so what??????????????????????????????????????????????

This was how Sean looked when he was still eating well a month ago.

The following pictures are taken during his foodstrike.


Actually, looking at them now, they do not seem that much different. Yes, his chubby cheeks and fleshy thighs are no-show now, but overall, he's still quite fine, right?

I've been so bloody moody and upset over the last month due to Sean's refusal to eat that I've become quite sick of myself. Everything I thought about, envisioned, and wrote on this blog is so so depressing.

Today, as Sean crosses the 1 month mark of not eating, I've decided that enough is enough.

That is, of my depression.

I've come to realise - this is not about me, isn't it?

I got angry, worked up, worried, frustrated and anxious about Sean not eating was, as I looked back now, about how I felt.

What about how Sean felt?

He is still sleeping through the nights, not waking up with hunger pangs.

He is still active and bubbly. He is tearing the house down with his inquisitiveness. He is running more than walking now. Granted, he may have lost a few pounds, but other than that, he's still doing ok.

So if Sean decides that he doesn't want to eat and is not getting angry or affected by that decision, then why should I?

This is not about me not wanting to feel guilty about his losing weight. This is not about me not wanting to feel that I've failed as a mum. This is not about me not wanting to worry about what to cook for Sean.

Indeed, many times when I lose my temper on Sean for not eating, it's because I'm worried that he's not getting enough nutrition, and also, for raking up so much effort to cook his meals, only to have him reject them at the first half glance.

I shouldn't have. Because this doesn't make him eat, it only made things worse - more often than not with both of us ending up in tears.

Perhaps it's time I start to respect Sean's exertion of independance.

If he decides that he's not eating, then I should back off.

After all, he's survived this one month. I suppose too that I should be somewhat jaded now to feel as immensely worried as I was last month.

Of course, we'll keep a close watch on Sean. And the challenge to make him accept proper meals again continues.

Now I should really stop shoving those rejected meals into my stomach because while Sean is losing weight, I am gaining!!! AAAARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carrot car from Ikea

People are still questioning if Sean is a boy or girl. Actually I see why they're still asking.

"I DUN WANNA!!"

Doing a poo

Really miss his chubbier cheeks

Digging for more Gerber puffs, probably the only edible thing he's genuinely  interested in.

Caught in the act

We ate out quite alot this month, cos it's become such a breeze!

No need to cook and bring Sean's meals along. Just bring some bread and biscuits and yoghurt. 

Easy peasy!

Skinny arms

Monkeying around while munching on a fish finger

At Jurong Point, flirting with the waitress

Sean kept demanding for our iced water

Yet another failed attempt. Fried macroni (with vehicle-shaped pasta). He ate zilch.

Munched on fish finger again.

(I've got all shapes and sizes of pasta in the fridge. Fusilli, elbow-shaped, linguini, angel hair, spaghetti, penne, vehicle-shaped - all failed Sean's discerning taste buds)

"Nope, not having those funny stuff."

"I'll stick to my fish finger!"

Sean has this bad habit of eating only the raisins from the bread, and spitting out the bread bits,

even if it's just a teeny weeny bit.

"Hmm...the bread is actually not that nice."

"I'll pick out the raisins instead."

"This is delicate job..."

"What! You mean that's all the raisins?!"

SEAN'S APPETITE!!!

WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU??????

Come back soon please?

Pretty pretty please?????

Other than sigh, what else can I do?

Sean is still not eating...

He's due for a second hearing test in January following a preliminary one last week.

Haiz.

Recently, I asked Steve if we would try for a second child next year as we had earlier planned.

He gave a hesitant reply.

"We'll see how." was what he said.

Cos it would not be fair to both children, IF special care is to be given to Sean.

:(

17 months old

My darling Sean,

You turn 17 months old today.

There is nothing more Mummy wishes for other than good health and happiness for you.

Mummy loves you.

God, please grant me patience...

Sean brings out the best and worst in me.

A minute, he can make me the happiest person alive, when he finally opens his mouth and eats.

The next minute, he can make me the most monstrous mother on earth, giving him cold stares and scolding him for refusing to eat again.

I've been feeling like this for every single day for the last 3 weeks or so.

Happy, euphoric, victorious, relieved.

Then suddenly -

Depressed, angry, frustrated, defeated, guilty.

It's got so bad I even scolded the 'f' word on Sean.

What kind of a mother am I to do that?

I know I shouldn't and am setting a bad example.

But I really can't help it..I tried to control myself but I can't, I just can't anymore...

One morning, I threw the bowl full of Sean's untouched breakfast into the kitchen sink and sat down on the floor breaking into tears uncontrollably.

There and then, I felt like I'm beaten through and through.

I am a total failure.

I've failed as a mum.

Sigh.

I know I just got to chill.

Kids will eat when they are hungry. They will eat when they want to.

Kids are cleverer than u think.

I know, I know.

I know all that I should know...

It's been 3 weeks since Sean refuses his meals.

When is this food battle going to end?

I feel really tired and exhausted..

God, please grant me patience and love towards Sean.

God, please help me...

God, please help Sean...

Sean....

Dear Sean,

I just want to say, sorry...

I screamed at you so badly yesterday. In fact, I've been screaming so much at you for the past few days.

And everytime after I do that, Mummy would cry so hard in regret..

You know son? Mummy is trying her best.

Every morning she wakes up, she mops the floor hurridly so that it would dry up in time for ur playtime after ur milk.

Then she feeds u ur milk.

But recently, your stomach has been acting up.

Mummy has to change ur diaper and wash ur bottom at least 6 times a day for the past few days.

It was so bad one day that the moment I put on a clean diaper for u, u'd poo again.

It got so bad that u soon developed diaper rash and u'd scream in pain so much everytime we change and wash u.

I don't know where all that poo is coming from, cos u've only been having half a slice, if not at most 1 slice of bread everyday since 2 weeks ago when u started rejecting porridge and cereal (or rice, or noodles etc etc...).

Now u poo everytime u take in something, be it biscuits or milk.

Mummy and Daddy brought u to see the doctor and u were diagnosed with catching a virus.

And u've lost so much weight....

Ur chin is sharper, and gone are ur chubby cheeks...

A few aunties that knew us from our morning walks downstairs has commented that u've become so skinny.

And it hurts me so much to hear that, and to indeed see u like this...

Thus, feeding you has been so stressful for your Mummy.

Cos I am really anxious to have u eat at least something.

My darling Sean, how are u going to grow up well if u're not going to eat other than a few biscuits, a few bites of bread and yoghurt in a day?

U simply refuse anything else.

I've tried so many things. Boiled, fried, steamed, baked.

Cut up, sliced, mashed, whole.

Bland, sweet, savoury.

Even letting u feed urself.

But u just won' eat.

I know it could be due to ur teething, after all u've been drooling so much...

But ur teething seems to take forever. Mummy can't feel any stubs cutting through ur gums...

Maybe u're traumatised. Cos everytime u refuse to eat, Mummy or Daddy will scream at u.

Baby, I'm so so sorry. Mummy doesn't want to lose my temper at you. Really. Mummy is trying very hard to control herself. But so often, Mummy is so worried that she snapped eventually.

Sean sean, please understand that Mummy is struggling alone most of the time, and she really is trying very hard to be stronger.

Please Sean....please please start to eat normally again soon. Please try ur best.

What a worthy spat!

Probably the only time you see Kimi Räikkönen smile!!!!

Source: guardian.co.uk

The collision between Adrian Sutil and Jarno Trulli during the first lap of the Brazilian grand prix, a clash that extended to a trackside war of words at Interlagos, continued to exercise both drivers during a press conference in Abu Dhabi yesterday.

Trulli's attempt to run round the outside of Sutil's Force India as they disputed fourth place in Brazil ended when the two cars touched, Sutil's high-speed spin also taking out the Renault of Fernando Alonso. Trulli climbed from his damaged Toyota and, ignoring a marshal's instructions, sought out Sutil. In a mildly comic scene, Trulli began to remonstrate with the much taller German as both drivers, perhaps wisely, kept their crash helmets in place. Stewards later declared the accident to have been a "racing incident" to which no blame could be attached, but Trulli was fined $6,000 (£3,600) for disobeying an official.

When asked if they had settled their differences, the row erupted again, much to the amusement of Alonso and Kimi Raikkonen, who were sitting in front of the warring factions on the interview platform.

Trulli: "Obviously it was very disappointing to end the race like that, especially on the first lap. I had every reason to be extremely furious. I've got all the evidence to show I was there and was next to him, and tomorrow we are going to discuss it [at an official FIA drivers' briefing]."

Sutil: "There's nothing to discuss, it was quite an obvious incident. In the end it was very disappointing for me, even more because I was the one who was driving, and he lost control of his car and crashed into my back. It's not my problem. It's his problem. I don't know why he's freaking out like that to be honest."

Trulli: "I don't know if you're blind, but I can clearly show you my front wing is next to your front wing." Trulli then produced photographs to support an argument he clearly expected.

Sutil: "But you're trying to overtake me around the outside on the kerb. There was not a problem. You were off the power. The same happened in Barcelona where you lost control again and crashed again into a Force India car [Sutil]. You have to sometimes respect the limits of the car. If you've nowhere to go, you have to back off. That's how racing is. I don't know how long you need to learn this."

Trulli's ire began rise thanks to Sutil mentioning the incident in Barcelona where the Force India driver had cut across the grass, completely missing a corner, and then hit Trulli, who was having his own accident.

"In Barcelona I spun and he hit me because he cut the kerb, cut the circuit completely, and he didn't slow down," said Trulli.

Sutil: "I didn't hit you. You hit me. I don't know what is your problem. I really don't understand."

Asked what was said during their argument immediately after the accident in Brazil, Trulli replied: "I was furious because he didn't see me. I was next to him and he kept on pushing me on the outside until I was obviously on the kerb."

Sutil: "It's not a problem to be on the kerb. Where's the problem?"

Trulli (sarcastically): "Yeah, no problem! As long as we know the rules."

Sutil: "I know the rules."

Raikkonen's attempt to keep a straight face during this spat failed when he looked across at a grinning Alonso. When reminded by a questioner that he had a clear view of the accident, Alonso said: "I saw everything more or less, but as Jarno said, we will discuss it in the drivers' briefing – deeply!"

MEN!