The day I was born

It's quite easy to disregard your own birthday as you age, especially when your son's birthday is just 4 days away from your own.

It's even easier that people forget that it's your birthday, especially when all they gush about was how fast time passes and that the little one is turning 1.
Well, here I am, blogging about my grand 31st.

Last night, we attended a dinner party at my MIL's place for Sean's upcoming birthday.

The well wishes and gifts were too kind, it made me feel inadequate, as if I've not been doing enough for Sean.

Frankly, I still consider myself as a greenhorn mum.

"Can he walk already?", "Is he calling Papa and Mama yet?", "Is he holding his own bottle?".............

When people ask these questions, I can't help but feel rather incapable when I have to answer "No" to them.

It's as if I only know how to feed him, bathe him, change him, cuddle him when he's unhappy, sing songs to him, cuddle him to sleep....

It's only when one of the aunties remarked that she'll give me a distinction for doing a brilliant job as a mother, that I became quite teary.

Rewind back 31 years ago, when I was born to my mum and dad.

I was their third child.

Back then, did my mum feel as helpless as me sometimes?

Who was helping out my mum then? Was she worried about our development? Was she concerned about the fact that I was born with 2 lower central incisors? Is my dad giving her enough support?

More importantly, who can she go to when she needs to talk to someone to let off steam?

I bet it was not easy for her, having to look after 3 children all by herself, and especially in those days when people are generally more conservative.

Cos what else can she do except to swallow her pride and suffer some shame in silence when people question, whether consciously or sub-consciously, about her children's abilities?

Just now, my parents came over with my brother to pass me an angbao, and one to Sean for his birthday come Thursday.

But they left quickly after as I was due for my pumping session, and Sean was kicking up a fuss cos he's missed his morning nap and his milk feed was due.

And so, my mum just quickly grabbed my hand, sayang-ed me, and said:

"祝你生日快乐, 青春美丽!"

I wanted to kiss her, but she said better not, cos her face is dirty, and I still have to kiss Sean later.

When they left, I felt happy, yet incredibly sad.

This sadness, is hard to describe.

31 long years has passed since mum gave birth to me. It's a long time already isn't it?

But she's never once stopped worrying about me.

Or rather should I say, she's always carried us in her mind and heart.

And still she is, and now carrying her grand-children's too.

Now that I'm a mother, I've come to understand that, you will always carry the burden of your children, for as long as you live.

Be they happy or unhappy burdens, it's what mothers can never let go of.

And I'm eternally thankful.

Birthdays are not only a time to celebrate your coming to the world. I hope more people realise that it's more significantly, a time to thank your mother for all that she has selflessly given to make the live of her child precious and worthwhile.

I love you, Mum.