Timeout

Strange how this is going to be so in contrast with the previous post....

I flew into a rage at Sean this morning. And it was the first time I ever did so.

I banged doors, talked loudly, scolded him, did all these while he's finally fell asleep after he kicked up a big fuss while I was expressing milk. I know I shouldn't have...I felt so bad after my tantrum that I cried so badly, telling Sean that Mummy's very sorry.

And my milk supply has dropped...

After 3 plus months of expressing milk round the clock and totalling about 1.5 litres of milk supply every day, I've decided to cut back to expressing less times per day.

And supply has dropped.

1.5 litres is alot for Sean. But the thought of seeing that drop saddens and makes me feel so guilty.

I'm not a working mother, thus providing Sean with milk is the least I can do, isn't it?

Everyday, I have to deal with engorgement issues, not having enough milk, pacifying and entertaining Sean while I'm tied up with expressing, feeding him every 2 to 3 hours, everything! And I simply hate engorgement! Last night, it was so bad I can feel it going up to my collarbones. That bad.

Everyday during the day I've got no one to talk to except listening to the motor of the pump.

I want to meet up with friends, have a cup of coffee and a slice of cake at Coffeebean. I want to rebond my hair, have a nice haircut, have some highlights done. But I can't. Why? Because I'm tied up with pumping schedule and I am Sean's only source of nutrition.

I'm not saying that this is the worst for me. Many other mothers could be facing even bigger issues. And they still have to work!

But sometimes, I just need a hug and some encouragement. I don't want to be threatened with you saying you want to send Sean to infant care.

Cos I think I can do a better job. I'm sure I can.

It's just that sometimes, it got too much for me to bear.

Like how Sean really really hates my breast now and I have to spend so much time to coax him while he's half asleep to suckle.

Do you know how that feels? Having Sean turn away from my breast with fury and in absolute disgust? Do you know how rejected and a failure I felt like?

It's not easy being a mother. I want to be stronger and more capable.