I want to blog about this before it all comes to an end...
The last time Sean latched on was on his birthday, 11 June. Thereafter, it was a major challenge trying to get him to do so.
When finally, he managed to be coaxed into it, he bit me.
And I bled.
There had already been a few times before when he did so, but I had luckily managed to escape unscathed.
But this time, it's for real and seeing how my poor nipple suffered, I thought, perhaps this is it.
Maybe this time, Sean is going to wean himself for sure.
I was taken depressed to be honest. I know it is still possible to latch him on even if he had bitten. I looked up the web and there are tons of advice to prevent him from doing so again.
Call me cowardly, but I simply cannot bear the pain again. The very thought of Sean bitting again sends shivers down my spine, and chest.
Yes, I am indeed cowardly.
And so, it has been 2 long weeks since Sean latched on, and eventually, my milk supply has decreased.
I am still pumping 3 times daily, for about an hour each session.
From the good old days of yielding about 1500 ml per day, I would be more than elated now to produce about 800ml a day.
My breastfeeding journey has not been smooth-sailing.
Right from the first day, Sean had difficulties latching on. His tongue will be sticking upwards rather than down to take in the breast, and even if he did finally managed to latch on, he is a lazy feeder such that 5 minutes into suckling, he would doze off.
Giving him a full feed via the breast has never been easy for me.
I cried for days like a mad cow when Sean rejects my breast. I felt like a total failure thinking that Sean hates them. I thought Sean would never be able to bond with me. Secretly, I envy mothers who are able to total breastfeed their baby. And on the very occasional moments when I get to breastfeed Sean under a shawl in the nursing room in Takashimaya, I felt a surreal moment of pride, as if announcing to the world that, "Look at me! I am BREASTFEEDING my baby! Call me Queen!".
But alas, these moments proved to be rather few.
And so, I have been expressing milk, right from the very first day.
I have never really anticipated that this would be how I will be feeding Sean mostly, as all along, my impression and goal is to TOTAL breastfeed him. However, this was not really meant to be.
From the Medela swing, to the manual Avent pump, we decided it's best to get a twin pump, so that time can be saved and yield can be more.
So we got the Medela Mini Electric.
It got me through days of hard pumping.
For the first 6 months or so, I sat through 4-5 sessions of pumping, each lasting about an hour per day.
The first thing I do upon waking, I express milk.
The last thing I do before turing in, I express milk.
To say that I was living like a cow was an understatement.
And how about the painful engorgement, the blocked ducts that gave me migraines?
Everytime they came on, I get stressed and frustrated.
Plus you choose a top that you can fit nicely into, only to realise that it's bursting at the seams a couple of hours later, rendering you looking dangerously like a hulk.
And the restrictions that came along with the pumping schedule?
Well, the longest we can stay out of home is about 4 hours, after which, we will have to rush home to express.
I kept to this tight schedule for the first half a year to keep up with supply.
Sean did latch on every now and then, but he would only do so when he's about to doze off. He would kick up a major fuss when I try to breastfeed him when he's awake.
In short, he prefers to be fed by the bottle.
After the first 6 months, I switched to a 3 times daily pumping schedule. This has helped ease up time more. On a rare occasion or two, I would pump in the nursing room in the shopping mall, but I have always felt rather inhibited doing so out of the home, so it was mostly not a convenient option to me.
Soon the Medela twin pump died. The motor just gave up. I think I have abused it far too much.
So since then, I have been managing with the Swing on one side, and the manual Avent on the other. Weird I know.
Throughout the past 12+ months, everytime we bring Sean out, we will lug along a vacuum flask of hot water and fridge-on-the-go with ice packs and bottles of breastmilk. This is a heavy load that my poor Steve has to manage ever so often.
And I am proud to say that, all the way through, Sean had had only 2 feeds of formula, when my breastmilk supply has yet to kick in.
All along, Sean has been a small feeder. Since birth, the most he can manage has been 800ml a day.
Now, he is taking average only about 650ml a day, of course on top of his 3 meals.
I am fortunate that everyone around me has been supportive of Sean feeding on breastmilk exclusively. My parents, my mother-in-law, even the confinement lady, all of them are pro-breastfeeding and has been encouraging, never once telling me that Sean should take formula milk for more vitamins, or that I should give Sean water on top of breastmilk.
I am grateful.
When I switched to 3 times pumping schedule, we bought a tin of Similac formula to standby, just in case my supply decide to just disappear.
Luckily it didn't, and so that tin of Similac remains intact.
Just 2 weeks ago, we bought a tin of Enfapro+ in preparation for introducing formula milk to Sean.
To date, it is still unopened.
You know what. I felt so guilty that day, placing the tin of milk powder into the shopping trolley.
It's as if I am letting Sean down by giving him something other than breastmilk.
But this day has got to come ultimately. And I think it will be soon.
Moreover, now that Sean is standing up so much and learning to walk, I can't expect him to be contained for about an hour in his cot when I pump away. This boy is so curious with everything now that he gets bored so easily.
On so many occasions, I tear when I think about the day when I finally have to wean Sean. When ultimately, I have to put down those expressing equipments and keep them away. It's bizarre. But I suppose the one most important thing that I will not bear to let go, is the fact of knowing that I am feeding Sean with the best nutrition that nothing else will ever replace.
"Think about our second child. He/she will need them (boobs) too, so perhaps it's really time to give them a break.".
My hubby said to me.
I have been reluctant, but I think I am ready to agree with him on this.
I am still going to express 3 times a day, maybe until Sean is 13 months old. Then when I reduce it to 2 times daily, I'm sure my supply will dwindle to such a miserable amount that it would finally be the opening ceremony for that tin of formula milk.
I want to salute to all mothers who have been and are still giving their children breastmilk. It has always been said that breastfeeding is easy and will be a breeze once you get the hang of it. Well, yes it is. But I'm sure the difficulties that come along with giving your children the best in the world can sometimes be abit too hard to bear.
I hope Sean have benefitted loads from the past 1 year+ of breastmilk from his moo-mie me.
Some facts to record this journey down:
- calculating all together, assuming I expressed average 1 litre of milk a day, till now, I would have yielded about 380 litres of milk! That's about 1600 cups, 800 pints, or 100 gallons!
- if Sean consumes only about 700ml a day, I would have stored 300 ml of milk daily. That means I've stored about 113 litres of milk in the freezer today! But breastmilk can last only about 3 months, that means I've discarded at least 84 litres of precious stuff!
- fenugreek supplements does increase breastmilk alot. But I think they gave me blocked ducts as well. The situation went away the moment I stopped taking them.
- the milk that has to be discarded are sometimes used as a footbath. And the feet certainly felt smoother after, very luxurious!
- I didn't take alot of tonics during my confinement as I felt some of them actually reduced milk supply. Whereas sashimi does the right opposite, super booster for production!
Pictures of some proud moments, at least to me....
The milk stash in the fridge
The stand-alone freezer we got for more milk!
Drawers and drawers of liquid gold
Precious milk that Sean has been feeding on
Unopened, untouched. But soon to be replacing the good stuff...haiz.
The glorious days of being the Star moo-moo cow, and the books of the production line.
Sean surely looking immensely bored and wanting to get out while I'm expressing milk.
"Get me out of here now!"
